today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
