I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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