watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
