ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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