you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
All I want is dick and wine.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
