Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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