Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
