my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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