Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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