Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
