Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
