i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
