Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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