Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
