for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
