Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
