When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
COCAINE IS GR8
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
