You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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