Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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