It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
