I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
