i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
