I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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