I want to have your abortion
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I need a burrito and a hug.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
