My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
