Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
