I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
