my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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