dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
