Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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