you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
