when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
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I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
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my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
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