Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
