I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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