just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
