Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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