may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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