I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
