Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
