she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
