if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Couch. On fire.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
