Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
