I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
