it was like his penis was on wheels.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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