I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
