I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
