Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
