I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
