I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
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He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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