What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
