i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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