dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
